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Twilight Movie #1 - As Far As I Can Tell
Nov. 26th, 2009 11:05 amI thought I'd be helpful for some people who might need to go see the second Twilight movie without seeing the first one. This should get you up to date on the Plot So Far so that you aren't lost. I've seen most of the first one, but none of the second one. I have not read the books. As far as I can tell, it goes like this:
A nondescript girl named Bella, who supposedly lives in Arizona except has no tan, leaves her hippy mother to go live with her emotionally inept father in the Northwest. Everyone in the small town where she now lives immediately takes a liking to her, because they are backwoods idiots who have been smoking too much of the ganja and have never seen such a pale tan person before. Bella is indifferent to most of these people because either she dislikes easily making friends, or she is a ninja. (This would explain why she is so pale, and non-descript.)
Bella does not belong to any specific clique. She both fails at volleyball and yearbook and also probably is not even remotely geared for Naxx, not to mention Ulduar. She's the school's most popular outcast!
She meets a boy named Jacob who is Native American. He has no "reservations" about her. At some point, they bump heads awkwardly while both bending down to pick up a dropped tampon. Also, Jacob's father is spunky despite being in a wheelchair.
Later, Bella sees the very pretty children of the Cullen family enter the school. They are vaguely incestual, but it's cool because they aren't all blood related, and incest-references are the new gay-references. People in the cafeteria whisper, and a lot of meaningful looks are exchanged. Edward Cullen looks like he wants to cry.
Bella-ninja has to sit next to Edward Cullen in her Science class. But, he runs away because she smells like bacon to him. After a few days, he comes back to school and doesn't seem really all that weirded out by her smell anymore. Maybe she used a ninja soap to mask her scent or something. Who knows? They share a microscope, which is the new millenia version of sharing a milkshake, and do some hot sexy flirty talk about eukaryotes and prokaryotes.
Somewhere, someone dies.
Edward starts stalking Bella-ninja. Like "The Police" doing "Every Breath You Take" sort of stalking. He hangs out in her bedroom while she's sleeping and practices his meaningful looks and his crying. They go on the world's most boring field trip together to watch grass grow, or something. Someone eats a worm to amuse Bella, maybe? During all of this, Bella says nothing interesting or revealing. (She's a ninja, and that would be sharing too much, thus compromising her mission.)
Someone tries to run Bella over with a shaggin'-wagon. Edward protects her. Then we meet some of more of the Cullen family in the hospital, and they are all creepy like distant relatives who hug you way too long and give you Bibles for Christmas.
Someone dies in a boat.
Bella-ninja goes with her friends to some other town to look at dresses for the big dance. But, really, she wants to look at books because Jacob totally plotspoiled-without-spoiler-alert the whole Cullen-vampire-thing to impress her. She buys a book about Native American legends.
(I note also that it turns from mid-day to middle-of-the-night in the time it takes to buy a book at this point.)
She's walking back to her friends when she totally gets accosted by some guys who want to do non-descript things to her, like nibble her little bacon ears, or lick her little bacon toes. She's seriously just about to pull out her shuriken and turn badass when Edward shows up and steals the show. He pwns them all with his vampireness, takes Bella to a restaurant to eat (because that's what most ninjas want after an averted battle), casually reads a few minds, and then drives her home.
There's a lot of awkward pauses and staring during this car trip. And then, maybe Edward cries or something. I think the car trip scene weirded me out, so I'm going to pretend instead that they cranked up Bohemian Rhapsody and rocked out.
At the end of this righteous Queen interlude, they get back to town to find Dr. Cullen consoling Bella's dad about the guy who died in the boat. Bella cheers her dad up with rainbow-frosting sprinkle-covered cupcakes. (I don't remember the nondescript way she actually cheers him up, so I'm going to go with cupcakes.)
Bella confronts Edward and tells him that she knows he's a vampire in the lamest, most non-descript way she can manage. I mean, if it was me, I'd totally be all like pouring a box of Count Chocula on his head, or leaving a yummy trail of pigs blood to an ACME Vampire Catching Trap (tm), ala Wiley Coyote or something. Instead of flipping out and killing her, Edward takes Bella pogo-ing through the forest, rips off his shirt Hulk Hogan style, and angsts about being sparkly and glittery.
(Side note: Can Edward Cullen's dandruff be used as a kindergarten craft supply?)
(Things get a bit sketchy from here. I either stopped paying attention or fell asleep.)
Eventually, Edward takes Bella home to "meet the folks". They live in one of those pretentious, perfect-as-hell, mountain homes with lots of breakable windows for extra security. He turns out to have a wacky, but loving, adopted Stepford-vampire family. BUT, there's a bitch who immediately doesn't like Bella. She's the only person I remotely respect in this entire movie.
There's also a Tinkerbell-pixie-girl named Alice who is vampire-paired with a quiet, skittish vampire named Rufus. There's a jock-type vampire. And a Suzy-homemaker Mom-vampire. Nobody eats dinner. Edward takes Bella to his nondescript room where he listens to nondescript music and she totally digs his circa 1920s groove.
Then everyone plays baseball. Bella gets to be umpire because she's not a vampire. Get it? Umpire! Vampire! Umpire! Vampire! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. SOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY. I HURT FROM LAUGHING.
Bad vampires show up and one of them decides Bella smells like fresh donuts. And it's all like:
Bad vampire: Gimme donut.
Edward: My bacon!
Bad vampire: You suck. Share the donut.
Edward: It's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACON.
Bad vampire: (Homer voice.) Mmmmm. Donut.
Alice: Vamps don't believe it's not bacon!
And then there's a chase scene. More angst. Bella flees. Edward gnashes his teeth. Bad vampire does bad things. The Cullen Family does some stuff. I think there's a big fuckoff ninja fight in a ballet studio? Bella-ninja tries to do her Finishing Move to the bad vampire, but she forgot to have the requisite training montage, so she breaks her leg. Edward steps in and does some badassery, after which he cries because he went through all this fucking trouble and didn't even get his non-descript bacon for dinner.
Bella wakes up in the hospital. Some not-terribly-plausible excuses are made for her disappearance and injury. She goes back to the northwest, and tells Edward she wants to be a vampire and live with him forevers-and-evers. But, he still wants to see other bacon, so he says, "No thanks, that'll do, pig."
The End.
A nondescript girl named Bella, who supposedly lives in Arizona except has no tan, leaves her hippy mother to go live with her emotionally inept father in the Northwest. Everyone in the small town where she now lives immediately takes a liking to her, because they are backwoods idiots who have been smoking too much of the ganja and have never seen such a pale tan person before. Bella is indifferent to most of these people because either she dislikes easily making friends, or she is a ninja. (This would explain why she is so pale, and non-descript.)
Bella does not belong to any specific clique. She both fails at volleyball and yearbook and also probably is not even remotely geared for Naxx, not to mention Ulduar. She's the school's most popular outcast!
She meets a boy named Jacob who is Native American. He has no "reservations" about her. At some point, they bump heads awkwardly while both bending down to pick up a dropped tampon. Also, Jacob's father is spunky despite being in a wheelchair.
Later, Bella sees the very pretty children of the Cullen family enter the school. They are vaguely incestual, but it's cool because they aren't all blood related, and incest-references are the new gay-references. People in the cafeteria whisper, and a lot of meaningful looks are exchanged. Edward Cullen looks like he wants to cry.
Bella-ninja has to sit next to Edward Cullen in her Science class. But, he runs away because she smells like bacon to him. After a few days, he comes back to school and doesn't seem really all that weirded out by her smell anymore. Maybe she used a ninja soap to mask her scent or something. Who knows? They share a microscope, which is the new millenia version of sharing a milkshake, and do some hot sexy flirty talk about eukaryotes and prokaryotes.
Somewhere, someone dies.
Edward starts stalking Bella-ninja. Like "The Police" doing "Every Breath You Take" sort of stalking. He hangs out in her bedroom while she's sleeping and practices his meaningful looks and his crying. They go on the world's most boring field trip together to watch grass grow, or something. Someone eats a worm to amuse Bella, maybe? During all of this, Bella says nothing interesting or revealing. (She's a ninja, and that would be sharing too much, thus compromising her mission.)
Someone tries to run Bella over with a shaggin'-wagon. Edward protects her. Then we meet some of more of the Cullen family in the hospital, and they are all creepy like distant relatives who hug you way too long and give you Bibles for Christmas.
Someone dies in a boat.
Bella-ninja goes with her friends to some other town to look at dresses for the big dance. But, really, she wants to look at books because Jacob totally plotspoiled-without-spoiler-alert the whole Cullen-vampire-thing to impress her. She buys a book about Native American legends.
(I note also that it turns from mid-day to middle-of-the-night in the time it takes to buy a book at this point.)
She's walking back to her friends when she totally gets accosted by some guys who want to do non-descript things to her, like nibble her little bacon ears, or lick her little bacon toes. She's seriously just about to pull out her shuriken and turn badass when Edward shows up and steals the show. He pwns them all with his vampireness, takes Bella to a restaurant to eat (because that's what most ninjas want after an averted battle), casually reads a few minds, and then drives her home.
There's a lot of awkward pauses and staring during this car trip. And then, maybe Edward cries or something. I think the car trip scene weirded me out, so I'm going to pretend instead that they cranked up Bohemian Rhapsody and rocked out.
At the end of this righteous Queen interlude, they get back to town to find Dr. Cullen consoling Bella's dad about the guy who died in the boat. Bella cheers her dad up with rainbow-frosting sprinkle-covered cupcakes. (I don't remember the nondescript way she actually cheers him up, so I'm going to go with cupcakes.)
Bella confronts Edward and tells him that she knows he's a vampire in the lamest, most non-descript way she can manage. I mean, if it was me, I'd totally be all like pouring a box of Count Chocula on his head, or leaving a yummy trail of pigs blood to an ACME Vampire Catching Trap (tm), ala Wiley Coyote or something. Instead of flipping out and killing her, Edward takes Bella pogo-ing through the forest, rips off his shirt Hulk Hogan style, and angsts about being sparkly and glittery.
(Side note: Can Edward Cullen's dandruff be used as a kindergarten craft supply?)
(Things get a bit sketchy from here. I either stopped paying attention or fell asleep.)
Eventually, Edward takes Bella home to "meet the folks". They live in one of those pretentious, perfect-as-hell, mountain homes with lots of breakable windows for extra security. He turns out to have a wacky, but loving, adopted Stepford-vampire family. BUT, there's a bitch who immediately doesn't like Bella. She's the only person I remotely respect in this entire movie.
There's also a Tinkerbell-pixie-girl named Alice who is vampire-paired with a quiet, skittish vampire named Rufus. There's a jock-type vampire. And a Suzy-homemaker Mom-vampire. Nobody eats dinner. Edward takes Bella to his nondescript room where he listens to nondescript music and she totally digs his circa 1920s groove.
Then everyone plays baseball. Bella gets to be umpire because she's not a vampire. Get it? Umpire! Vampire! Umpire! Vampire! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. SOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY. I HURT FROM LAUGHING.
Bad vampires show up and one of them decides Bella smells like fresh donuts. And it's all like:
Bad vampire: Gimme donut.
Edward: My bacon!
Bad vampire: You suck. Share the donut.
Edward: It's BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACON.
Bad vampire: (Homer voice.) Mmmmm. Donut.
Alice: Vamps don't believe it's not bacon!
And then there's a chase scene. More angst. Bella flees. Edward gnashes his teeth. Bad vampire does bad things. The Cullen Family does some stuff. I think there's a big fuckoff ninja fight in a ballet studio? Bella-ninja tries to do her Finishing Move to the bad vampire, but she forgot to have the requisite training montage, so she breaks her leg. Edward steps in and does some badassery, after which he cries because he went through all this fucking trouble and didn't even get his non-descript bacon for dinner.
Bella wakes up in the hospital. Some not-terribly-plausible excuses are made for her disappearance and injury. She goes back to the northwest, and tells Edward she wants to be a vampire and live with him forevers-and-evers. But, he still wants to see other bacon, so he says, "No thanks, that'll do, pig."
The End.
