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The Aztec Response
Jul. 18th, 2011 12:33 pmYou know, I just think Rick Perry, Governor of Texas, is going about things all wrong with "The Response" ( http://theresponseusa.com/ ) and his "days of praying for rain" to end the Texas drought and so forth.
First of all, I don't think Yahweh is much of a rain god. Sure, he made it rain in the Bible, but a Noah-type flood is just no better answer than the drought. And seriously, with as many Christians as there are in the world, Jehovah is busy with a lot of requests, and well... I don't think He's the guy for the job. You just don't ask a banker to fix your clogged toilet, you know? We need to go about this in a more efficient manner.
I think we should focus on petitioning Tlaloc, the Aztec god of rain. He's probably not very busy these days. Plus, there are pretty specific instructions on how to appease him. He likes sacrifices. Drowning is one of his favorites.
So, I think that on August 6th, we should all get together at the lake and appeal to Tlaloc. If you're going to be praying to some other god, you're just not invited.
Actually, I take that back, you ARE invited. Praying to other gods...that's...um...okay. But, due to space issues, you're going to have to stand close to the lake. Like...really...really close. Maybe even IN the lake. Just up to your ankles. That'll be pretty refreshing, huh? It's going to be hot on August 6th. Yeah! So, in the spirit of friendship and tolerance, all of those who disbelieve in Tlaloc and just want to pray to their own gods will get the BEST SPOTS for some frolic and play in the lake.
Okay, you should probably know right now that the lake gets pretty noisy when people are...frolicking in it. You'll probably hear people screaming with happiness. You might even hear them screaming things like, "Oh god, please stop, help me! Help me! Someone help me!" Don't worry. If you look over there, you'll almost definitely see some of Tlaloc's loyal followers nearby, trying to help them have more "fun". It may look rowdy, and there will probably be a bunch of splashing, but no worries... These bursts of joyful exuberance never last long.
But, you know what Tlaloc really likes? He likes it when you go into a sacred cave and skin someone, and then maybe wear their flesh as a cape or a hat or nice button-down shirt. I've been thinking about this really hard, and you know what I remembered? I've seen pictures of Rick Perry, and he has skin over a good 98% of his body, at least. I'm sure, with his deep concern about the welfare of Texans, that he could spare at least 10 or 20 percent of his skin just to make ol' Tlaloc smile.
This is going to be great! It'll be just like the old days, when people got together at the bases of grand ziggurats, and the great leaders soothed us with their words and charisma and an epic deluge of blood. Ah, those were the days. Back when community and family MEANT something, and weren't just words without real value.
It just makes me smile with nostalgia and homesickness when I think of still-beating-hearts held aloft by real men of the gods. I'm pretty sure that's all we really need to fix these terrible blights upon the world like droughts and failing economies and never quite getting a good enough wireless signal.
GOD LISTENS. He really does. As long as you pray to the right god, and that god is Tlaloc. Always remember, Tlaloc has a plan for us. And the family that prays together, and dismembers the disbelievers together, stays together.
Look at this picture below! Look how much FUN they are having!
(And they have really great hair, just like Rick Perry.)
First of all, I don't think Yahweh is much of a rain god. Sure, he made it rain in the Bible, but a Noah-type flood is just no better answer than the drought. And seriously, with as many Christians as there are in the world, Jehovah is busy with a lot of requests, and well... I don't think He's the guy for the job. You just don't ask a banker to fix your clogged toilet, you know? We need to go about this in a more efficient manner.
I think we should focus on petitioning Tlaloc, the Aztec god of rain. He's probably not very busy these days. Plus, there are pretty specific instructions on how to appease him. He likes sacrifices. Drowning is one of his favorites.
So, I think that on August 6th, we should all get together at the lake and appeal to Tlaloc. If you're going to be praying to some other god, you're just not invited.
Actually, I take that back, you ARE invited. Praying to other gods...that's...um...okay. But, due to space issues, you're going to have to stand close to the lake. Like...really...really close. Maybe even IN the lake. Just up to your ankles. That'll be pretty refreshing, huh? It's going to be hot on August 6th. Yeah! So, in the spirit of friendship and tolerance, all of those who disbelieve in Tlaloc and just want to pray to their own gods will get the BEST SPOTS for some frolic and play in the lake.
Okay, you should probably know right now that the lake gets pretty noisy when people are...frolicking in it. You'll probably hear people screaming with happiness. You might even hear them screaming things like, "Oh god, please stop, help me! Help me! Someone help me!" Don't worry. If you look over there, you'll almost definitely see some of Tlaloc's loyal followers nearby, trying to help them have more "fun". It may look rowdy, and there will probably be a bunch of splashing, but no worries... These bursts of joyful exuberance never last long.
But, you know what Tlaloc really likes? He likes it when you go into a sacred cave and skin someone, and then maybe wear their flesh as a cape or a hat or nice button-down shirt. I've been thinking about this really hard, and you know what I remembered? I've seen pictures of Rick Perry, and he has skin over a good 98% of his body, at least. I'm sure, with his deep concern about the welfare of Texans, that he could spare at least 10 or 20 percent of his skin just to make ol' Tlaloc smile.
This is going to be great! It'll be just like the old days, when people got together at the bases of grand ziggurats, and the great leaders soothed us with their words and charisma and an epic deluge of blood. Ah, those were the days. Back when community and family MEANT something, and weren't just words without real value.
It just makes me smile with nostalgia and homesickness when I think of still-beating-hearts held aloft by real men of the gods. I'm pretty sure that's all we really need to fix these terrible blights upon the world like droughts and failing economies and never quite getting a good enough wireless signal.
GOD LISTENS. He really does. As long as you pray to the right god, and that god is Tlaloc. Always remember, Tlaloc has a plan for us. And the family that prays together, and dismembers the disbelievers together, stays together.
Look at this picture below! Look how much FUN they are having!
(And they have really great hair, just like Rick Perry.)
